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Skeeter Kitefly Index

a semi-collected hodgepodge of noncanonical adventures   

New What's

The Ups and Downs of Skeeter Kitefly

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Part Two
Part Three

Skeeter Kitefly's Sugardaddy Confessor

Part One
Part Two
Part Three


Skeeter Kitefly's
Titular Assets

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Last Updated

March 21, 2010


Titular Assets

First in a new series of Skeeterlogues and other sketchy vignettes: Ms. Kitefly holds forth on boobs, buns, and coming to terms with both.

...Say it was elbows instead: a respectable Nice Girl would have to keep hers covered up except at homecoming dances and the like, where she could only put the curve of her funnybones on display.  And even then I suppose you slobbermouths would all the time be trying to peek up our sleeves and fumbling with cuffbuttons and organizing wet-elbow contests...

Click here to read "Titular Assets"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys



Second in the "Titular Assets" series:
Skeeter and RoBynne O'Ring check out the new staff exercise room (formerly the staff smoking lounge).

...We changed into our little workout outfits—I brought my hot pink ONLY VISITING THIS PLANET T-shirt (I’d’ve worn that silk SORRY, I’M TAKEN top if you hadn’t gone on and on about how “expensive” it was) and my spandex hotpants even though they didn’t quite match, being more of a bubblegummy shade…  What?  Hey!  It matters a lot whether they match.  Oh shut up—you just don’t know what the word “ensemble” means.  (Or “expensive” either, but we’ll go into that another time...)

Click here to read "Teetotal"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys


Breakfast of Runners-Up

Third in the "Titular Assets" series:
Skeeter (the Gropable Gourmet) demonstrates how to make her Paris-When-It-Sizzles 3-in-1 special.

...This has got to be the unhappiest-looking icebox I've ever stuck my head into.  Think how vacant and frustrated it must feel, when by rights it ought to be crammed to its little lightbulb with wholesome nourishment.  Anything down here in the crisper?...  HEY!!  Quit groping, you turk!  Never, never paw a master chef when she's rummaging inside your refrigerator, unless you've been explicitly invited!...

Click here to read "Breakfast of Runners-Up"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys



Fourth in the "Titular Assets" series:
Skeeter provides running (hopping, skipping, jumping) commentary on a vintage Eighties romantic movie.

…Are we supposed to believe that Michael Douglas found the one crocodile out of all the alligators swimming around South America and wrestled it to a standstill and turned it inside out and into those fancy boots he’s wearing and extracted that big honking emerald and lived long enough to sell it to somebody and buy himself that sailboat and cart it up to the middle of Manhattan and park it outside Joanie’s door?
      Well that’s just silly

Click here to read "Verisillymissitude"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys

Head for High Hog Heaven

Fifth in the "Titular Assets" series:
Ms. Kitefly's theophilowhatsical speculations on the nature of foreplay in the afterlife.

Oh listen to this: For your first Love Gift of $25 or more, we will send you a JLM Show Starter Charm Bracelet.  Each further Love Gift will earn you an additional Blessing Bangle, signifying an event in the life of your personal savior.  Collect all twelve while supplies last.
      Why do I get the idea that Baby Jesus burst into tears just now?…

Click here to read
"Head for High Hog Heaven"


Bursting Unmentionabubbles

Sixth in the "Titular Assets" series:
During a weekend in Vegas, Skeeter and RoBynne are forced to participate in the Miracle of Life.

I  got to throw the dice next, but for some reason they both bounced right off the table, and the comical joker holding the stick sang out: “Oh no where’d they go?  Oh shit they’re in the pit!” and everybody laughed, so I bounced my little pumpkins at them and then they all cheered, except I suppose for the jealous casino-hoes…

Click here to read "Bursting Unmentionabubbles"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys


Flagrant Foul

Seventh in the "Titular Assets" series:
The 15-year-old Kelly Rebecca is ushered into womanhood by J.V. basketbrawler Punchy Frid.

…High on a hill in an Eldorado, late one summer in the Derelict Days of '74, little Kelly Rebecca awaited her passage into conjugal womanhood.  Her heart was filled with romance, her lungs with demonweed, her stomach with partly-digested popcorn (she and Frid having one to see Their Movie, Blazing Saddles, for the third time)—her ears with Roberta Flack on the Caddy stereo, and her haltertop with nothing at all as it dangled from the Caddy gearshift knob…

Click here to read "Flagrant Foul"
as it appeared in Ten Thousand Monkeys


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